December 23, 2012
If I'm going to continue writing a blog on this site then I need to be completely honest and thorough. And as a reader, you need to be thorough as well. I always run here when I am feeling at my worst, and I just feel that is unfair. I know the feeling of being on the other side of unfairness, whatever the matter, so I cannot let that continue. Although, I do not wish to give out personal detail, so I may change names and places as a movie would when based on real life stories. Furthermore, I will provide some background information with the following: My name is Yarida. I am 19 years old. I am a Sophomore in college. I study Art History. I am unemployed. I am not familiar with driving. I live with six family members. Four other adults and two toddlers. I have a boyfriend for seven months. I will be celebrating Christmas in at least two days. I have a few health conditions that I do not wish to explain at the moment. My family and myself struggle daily with health, finances, and something of a past burden or the lack of having the strength and motivation to move forward with life.
I have been a writer almost all of my life. I don't simply mean learning to write as an academic and life necessity. I mean I have been experimenting with creative and personal writing since I was a child. I've done lyrics poetry, essays, stories and blogs. I have found my reason for writing, and it is truly an outlet. Something I can do by being completely honest, not judged by my thoughts, and I can express my feelings that I hold from others. And so I cannot play my readers for a fool. You may only hear from me, perhaps, when I feel at my worst, as I said. Of course, it is the reason why I am writing now. Holding in anger or sadness, even depressed feelings will drown you of your own thoughts. Doing this will only tear me apart and break me down to my lowest low point. I can feel that happening internally.
At this point in my life I need to take on much more responsibilities. I am so behind on life, compared to where I want to be. Everyone I know would say hate is a strong word and that hating something will not change it. This is true, but I do hate. I am a good person, a nice girl, but I do hate. And by this point, as a reader, I probably would have stopped reading this entry by now. As I mentioned, I do not have a job and I do not know how to drive. I would very much like these things, and it all just takes time. I should have tried harder but even when I think about my trials I am torn apart. I talk down to myself because I feel I haven't accomplished what I want because of ME. Which is true, accomplishments are made by thyself. It is my decision and actions that determine what happen to me, and what happens in my life. After I've made all the excuses for things I have not accomplished I realize it is simply my own fault for not achieving anything. I blame myself and I really say some nasty things. I call myself stupid, which comes from a lot of situations that prove it. This stupidity comes from those who also keep telling me so. I believe it. I am a college student but that doesn't make me smart. I can understand and sustain information very well and quite fast, along with obeying rules. This does not mean that I am smart, it just means I have that skill. I choose to obey, pay attention and do what I need to do to get through school.
Choosing to be quiet stems from people thinking I am stupid. Now I constantly have to be careful with what I say or do because people don't like 'honesty'. My honesty turns into rudeness and blunt statements. And I become the 'bad guy'. At those times I sound ignorant and mean. Far from which I strive to be. I'd rather stay quiet and look like a nice and innocent girl than look dumb, crazy, loud, and an outsider. I usually feel like an outsider when I am myself. And I just want to be myself. No one accepts me for who I am. If anyone did I would not be writing this. I try to be 100% honest with everyone and no one even appreciates that.
Another nasty thing I do is tell myself that I am ugly. That statement is true. Who else can I compare myself to and say someone is not as pretty as me. Who does that? Who calls someone ugly out of pure comparison to someone else? Who calls someone ugly to be mean, to express how much beauty they think one has, to make fun of someone? Who calls someone ugly? I call myself ugly because I really do believe everyone else is more beautiful. (Attractiveness or attraction is different.) People call me ugly. People have proven it in their own way. I have experienced it being proven by others. So I guess I have proven myself as well. (I won't go into detail with examples at the moment.) Whether someone is naturally beautiful or unnaturally, I am not that. I am an outsider or in between. I am not one or the other. Yes, being one or the other is important to me. Everything I talk about is important to me, otherwise I wouldn't say it! I try to look, act or be someone that I am not. Someone that others will like because I have to face it. Is that not what life and this world is about? Any argument to this would be invalid. Life is about presentation. When you meet someone that is what you think about. You see with your eyes and not with your brain. People judge, and even after you get to know someone, their presentation and that first encounter will always play a roll in how you feel about someone, how you describe them, how you perceive them.
Unless I become wealthy, I cannot change what I am and how I look. Sure I can try, but that is not me. Trying to change the way I look, putting effort into style and appearance is not WHO I AM. I wish I could change that but the thought exhausts me. The investment would be a huge lie. I learned that you do not know who you are until you lose yourself. That is what happened, I believe. I got so caught up in what I thought people wanted from me that I lost myself. I have anxiety and an eating disorder. Before anyone comes up with conclusions there are many types of anxiety and eating disorders and so no one's thoughts about me can be accurate because I won't go into detail. You can only assume, judge and probably treat me differently, but you still will not know in detail the conditions I have. Research them all and guess. That would be a joke. So I lost myself. I hurt myself and I realized I should not try to change. I just want to be me. I will cry probably everyday because I won't change the way I look. And the most common advice would be accept yourself or take action and do something about it but I will not. I will feel terrible about myself until I can get over it. Until I won't care about this anymore. I won't accept how I look because I know this is not how I want to look. I won't take action about it because I do not want to take action. I don't want to have to do things that in the end won't work in accomplishing the look I want. It is impossible for me to change on my own unless I am wealthy, like I said. I will just deal with this every day. And people will say why would I even think this way, oh you are pretty you don't have to change. But how many of you have thought the same thing about yourself even for a second. How many of you have felt insecure or have low self esteem. My feelings about it are just stronger.
The number one thing I do that works is keeping quiet and doing what other people like. I am a very opinionated person but if I do not express my opinions than everyone else is happy. I am so generous, caring and put others before me. If I agree with things people want, want to do, or say then I am seen as a good friend, a nice person. This is what I like. I like for people to like me. To be around me. To want me. I do not get this often. And I just wonder why. So much. Do I need to be more outgoing, like someone else, not me? Will that help? Again I choose not to because it's not me. I rather be quiet because that does feel good, as I said. I will stick with that. Putting everyone's feelings and thoughts ahead of mine is included.
Sometimes I do not make sense when I write. I hope what you read is what I intend. My emotions are just too strong right now and because of that details aren't explained and I'm sorry for that. And maybe it will be explained in the future. Anyway, my life right now. I just wish all of the broken pieces could fall into place. Not to even be perfect but to have another place to start fresh. If I move into another house. If I get a job. If I learn to drive. Those things will give me motivation and open more doors. I just want change and new things. I don't want life to be perfect. I just want to be more content. I want to do something with my life... |
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